daddydid

Zanussi ztd6522 dishwasher resurrected

2011-10-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Zanussi dishwasher failing to finish cycle. Symtoms being a tripped RCD breaker and then constant cycle of 3 beeps audio error code when retried. Replaced the obviously bust motor capacitor but found cycle still wouldn't finish. Anti leak switch was engaged due to water in drip tray. Eventually traced source to spray arm feed pipe 2/3 way up rear right hand side of machine. Half the screw thread on plastic fitting had broken so threw away neoprene ring seal to gain another two milimeters of thread though machine and used some plumber mait with a couple of wraps of plumber's tape. All good after a 70 deg wash. Still took most of the evening to do due to length of time test washes take. Trying to watch Spooks and constant checking for a flooded kitchen is really stressfull. That and it is an integrated dishwasher so getting it in and out is a pain.

Tip: Maplin open on a Sunday until 6.00pm amazing if you want the necessary 3uF cap for £3.80 instead of spending £13 on the 'genuine part'

2011-09-28T02:19:00.000-07:00

Quick Tech update:- The viewsonic viewpad 7 is another android addition to the household. It is everything I wanted the old Nokia 770 to be. It takes a sim card has a GPS and is to all intents and purposes just a much larger version of the Orange Sanfrancisco phone I carry around with me.

So it works as a back up phone if should I run out of battery on the sanfran. It makes wi-fi browsing and email in coffee shops a much better experience and the kids can see what they are doing when playing angry birds. A win. So far only glitch is I can't get the stowaway keyboard to pair with it.

Phone and Automobiles

2011-02-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

The screen on the Samsung pixon broke and I pleaded for a replacement phone that ran the Android operating system. The powers that be listened carefully to my reasoned arguments and gave me a Blackberry instead. AAAAAAAARGH!

Despite the truly addictive e-mail capabilities I heroically decided to go cold turkey and forked out my own hard earned for an Orange San Francisco instead.

Had it for over a month now and it is truly a great phone. De branded and running android 2.2 of course with a company O2 sim.

I have even used an old Nokia tablet mounting kit and some drastic reworking with a hacksaw and plastic repair kit to build a car mount for it. I'll publish a picture sometime. It might look a bit of a bodge but it is super solid and the phone clicks into place in a reassuring manner.

Plastic Repair kit

2011-02-14T15:21:00.000-08:00

I have been fixing an increasing number of items with the repair kit I bought for my Samsung laptop. The off side Mondeo wing mirror developed an alarming list to one side this is included the outside cowling. I suspect someone leant on it hard when falling over in the snow in December. Repair involved removing glass and drilling out of three retaining blobs of plastic so outside cowling could be removed from internal mounting post. This showed problem that two of three vertical retaining screws had stripped threads/ broken mountings. So removed whole metal mounting post from bottom bracket and got two washers. Then sprayed original screws with silicone as a release agent. Used the screws to mount the washers onto correct surface with hand tightening. Then rebuilt the outside of the damaged plastic mounting pillar upto the washers. Once plastic had cured over night I removed screws and washers and remounted wing mirror. Had to melt the 3 mounting blobs back to re attach cowling. Overall a medium difficult job.

Zannussi Built in Dishwasher leaking

2010-06-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

On departing front door of building noticed drip from celling. Uh oh! Leak from kitchen above communal hallway. Uh Oh ! That is my Kitchen!

So far have learnt that kitchen installers use novel methods of wedging my dishwasher in. Including two saw cuts into metal work and some reshaping with a hammer to avoid an intruding bit of pipework at rear. Oh and they didn't know how to use the rear leveller so had just rested it on a plank and for some reason left a couple of tiles stuck to back of machine as well. Anyway leak is in the drain hose and fitting replacement look like it will be a bit of a pig. Joy.

Mondeo MK3 power locks

2010-06-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

Near Side front door not locking and quote from garage to fix was best part of £200 inc the Vat. So another trawl round e-bay showed up some likely candidates. One week later and the job is done total spend £27.00 Advice to anyone replacing item :-

The tray that lines the interior door grab handle needs to be removed to reveal yet more screws if you want the trim to come off. Also only the lower half of mechanism needs to be replaced. Once you realise you can unclip the two parts you can then rotate it thus unhooking no longer required metal tie rod. Getting it back onto the dangling tie rod in door is medium difficult but whole job took me less than 2 hours.

Tumble Drier Creda TCR2 bought then fixed!

2010-06-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

So the tumble drier died just as we left on 2 week trip to Taiwan during Easter break. Upon return we immediately did nothing about it as getting builders out and having functional bathroom was the priority. Anyway finally heaved the ancient drier down to the local waste recycling depot and picked up second hand Creda condenser drier bought from Friday-ad. This model drier has a metal door so I couldn't see the drum going round when I tested it. But I heard noises and when door opened it felt warm so that was an advance on old drier. Of course when I got it home and installed I realised it didn't work at all. Reluctant to give in I establish belt had snapped. On second attempt got right belt for under a tenner delivered from E-bayer. Fitting a new belt to a drier is a nightmare. Calls for almost complete dismantle of drier including removal of motor. If I had know just how ruddy difficult it was I would never have started but just when I thought there was no way I could stretch the belt over the tensioning pulley, I finally managed it. It all works. Hurrah! Wife look less than happy about time it took to get it working but it does and total spend was less then £60. Also I am pretty sure I now understand the majority of the bits inside this beast so I can keep this one going for a long time.

Samsung N510 woes

2009-12-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Aaaaaargh! The case mounting for the samsung screen hinges are pathetic. My screen has always been a bit stiff to open. Now only one month after purchase all the brass inserts into the plastic base of the netbook have pulled out of their feeble plastic pillars. 1st sign was hearing small rattly bits of plastic inside case and noting that top and bottom half case part company slightly at power button. Second sign was noting that hinge covers don't line up with base. This is a design flaw, the top diameter of the mounting pillars should have been at least twice the size to cope with the expected strain. Even if Samsung do replace it under warranty I am pretty sure the next one will fail in exactly the same way. Unfortunately this is currently the perfect spec netbook for me so a refund doesn't get me anywhere. Starting with this knowledge and a new Samsung 510 netbook I think I would disassemble and add a ton of this stuff to the pillars

SAMSUNG N510 Netbook

2009-11-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

Had this for two days and so far it is looking good. Prodigious battery life 7+ hours. Sane fan placement to not cook battery. Decent screen size and keyboard marred only by the dodgy placement of the right hand shift key. I don't think I am going to regret this. If it can play full HD as promised by the ION chipset then it is going to be new weapon of choice.

PVR madness

2009-10-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Replaced that ASDA Onn PVR with a new SAGEM Freeeview PVR with HDMI to match the 42"HD panel I got. Bad move ....hating it!

Now in embarrassing position of pleading with friend who bought the ASDA box to let me have it back. He being a good chap has agreed. So my most troublesome clients (wife and kids) will now be happy.. right up to the point where I replace "THS" (The Huge Screen) with the old 20" Dell monitor.

2009-05-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

Tom's page

IP switcher

2008-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

As a manager of a national IP network I find myself constantly changing static IP addresses on my windows XP laptop. Commercial profile managers and switching utilities are available. You can instead just write a simple batch file to configure your network interface.

Here are two that I just created.

rpghome.bat

netsh interface ip set address name="Local Area Connection" source=static addr=192.168.9.8 mask=255.255.255.0
netsh interface ip set address name="Local Area Connection" gateway=192.168.9.1 gwmetric=1
netsh interface ip set dns name="Local Area Connection" source=static addr=217.22.80.10 register=PRIMARY
netsh interface ip add dns name="Local Area Connection" addr=217.22.95.10 index=2
netsh interface ip set wins name="Local Area Connection" source=static addr=none

rpgdhcp.bat

netsh interface ip set address name="Local Area Connection" source=dhcp
netsh interface ip set dns name="Local Area Connection" source=dhcp register=PRIMARY
netsh interface ip set wins name="Local Area Connection" source=dhcp

2008-08-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Streetcar is great but is going to take some getting used to. I joined a week ago and have used it twice. First time to take the kids for the Tuberculosis Jab at a clinic in Hangleton. God knows why the NHS decided we had to go there but it seemed like a good first test of street car service. So for £11 I got 4 people there and back and did the weekly shopping. Trying to reverse the car out of its allocated parking spot was the first challenge things were very tight becuase someone had parked a long people carrier in the bay just behind. So grappling with an unfamiliar car I was at one point thinking of giving up. After that it was plain sailing though in future I think I'll book the the manual VW POLO instead of the Golf. The second use was today. I was at work in Kempton and need to get to Newhaven and back. Nearest Streetcar was already booked so I had a 10 minute walk to Devonshire place. Anyway car was great did the job and attempted to return car. Unfortunately some inconsiderate bugger had parked his plumbing bathroom fitters van in the reserved spot even though it is marked as no loading.

So big thumbs down to

Croxgrove

83 St James's Street, Brighton, BN2 1TP 01273676971

for doing that. I tried ringing them but just got a fax machine.

Took a little time to convince streetcar to let me just leave car at office, but they did and full credit to them for that.

The shortest measurable unit of time

2008-08-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

This was pretty universally agreed to be the 'New York Second'. The time between a New York traffic light turning green and the car behind you hitting its horn. After much research I now believe the "Angel Pause" has it beat. This the time between my bottom hitting the cushion of any type of comfortable chair and my wife finding something for me to get up and do.

ASDA 160GB PVR

2008-04-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

The Digifusion failed on me last Wednesday. Uh oh, Doctor Who episode on Saturday was scheduled right in the middle of the kids bath time as usual. Edict handed down from wife read " fix it or get another one right now!".

So against all my instincts to research the current state of the freeview PVR market on the internet for the next two weeks I instead went to a real bricks and mortar shop. ADSA! Didn't even buy any food just picked up the first thing that had a dual tuner paid and left.

As it turns out, this is a pretty sorted box considering it was less than a hundred quid. Doesn't record the last 15 minutes of what you are currently watching to provide the magic "rewind live tv" facility BUT then it doesn't have to constantly spin the hard disk so it is QUIET! Has series link a fast usable readable Electronic Program Guide (EPG). So far it has felt like a major upgrade in terms of usability and reliability. Coming out of PAUSE mode works flawlessly unlike the digifusion and subtitles are always recorded and there is a 'continue watching from where you last left off' feature for all the stuff you have recorded. I really really like it. You can switch it on set stuff to be recorded really fast compared to the Humax, Digifusion and Sony PVRs that I have used. A win. Wife likes it too!

The Register publishes my thoughts on LLU and ADSL economics and iPlayer bandwidth consumption

2008-04-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

For my sins I run a small UK ISP. I am exposed to the Capacity Based Charging model both from BT (via 3rd party wholesale outfit 186K) and from LLU wholesale from Tiscali so I can see some differences. Nevertheless to get traffic from to and from my ADSL clients costs me 10 times as much in cost of bandwidth as to send or receive the same packets to the rest of the world. That includes you BBC. So it costs me probably 20 times as much as it did the BBC to deliver their content. Do I blame the BBC? No I don't. Do I blame BT? you're damned right I do.

As far as I can work out the major component of this bandwidth cost is fibre backhaul from the exchanges. If BT were to sell dark fibre pairs to the LLU players this price would fall though the floor and low contention ADSL would be available to all. But BT won't sell dark fibre because they fear that their ipstream model and 20 century network could be instantly replicated with a vastly lower cost base. Someone tell me why the annual rental of 1 GB wes/les/bes circuits costs a fortune compared to 100Mbps variant (which isn't cheap). It is the same fibre just a different transceiver. If Offcom had made the same pricing model of BT's costs for installing and maintaining fibre as it did for copper pairs in 2000 when LLU started we wouldn't be in this mess now.

So BT you need to upgrade your exchange links. Oh and while you are at it, your central pipes, deliver them as Gig Ethernet not this 655Mbps ATM stuff of yesteryear. Since no one is going to buy a central pipe of that size outside of a known data centre you could make them a few hundred pounds to install instead of the tens of thousands. You could ..but you won't will you? Not until someone makes you. Sad thing is you would end up making more money not less. All those little ISP's could start buying direct from you again. Didn't ADSL competing against your valuable leased line and ISDN business in 2000 show you anything. It was a good thing.

It is the price of fibre between BT exchanges that is the barrier to the UK internet services. I think Easynet was instrumental in getting a better deal with the BES service from BT but what it really showed was that BT will do anything not to sell dark fibre.

As soon as an LLU player could bring on another neighbouring exchange using a properly IP routed mesh topology with 100 times the bandwidth for the same cost as today you would see IP Multicast working. You would see packets for geographically close communications not being tunnelled half way across the country and back. You would have local resilience. ISP's might even run BGP in every exchange with other LLU isps. The UK internet wouldn't depend on a few data centres in London. Local data centres would pop up everywhere. People are used to Latencies of between 30 and 50 ms. But imagine if that was the worst you ever got and now your local VPN traffic got there and back in under 2ms and your London vpn head end was only 5ms round trip.

Ultimately LLU is completely held to ransom by BT determining the price of getting bandwidth to the racks in the exchanges. Unbundle the fibre and all the problems melt away.

Its a strange new world/craft fair

2008-01-15T02:42:00.000-08:00

1st things 1st. Happy new year.

2nd things 2nd What is second life all about?
I didn't really know. So I took Linden Labs up on their kind offer of free beer last night and went to have a nose around their Brighton office. After about 2 hours I still only have an impression. Either SL is the cheap 3D universal interface that every one could use to interact/ do business with on line with or it is just a craft fair. That second option isn't how Lindens would recognise it and it isn't meant to be disparaging. There is a 3rd view held by some :- that SL is more along the lines of an open asylum that attracts a disproportionate number of people who need to express themselves in ways normal society would frown upon.

If second life is to scale Linden Labs must allow other organisations to build and run servers located around the globe. In fact Linden Labs themselves should probably give up running the majority of servers they currently do. This is a cost overhead they just don't need. Ownership of protocols and the and the ability to block access to any rogue server as the one and only sanction is all that is required. Probably only allowing legal entities other than individuals to own and run servers would be a useful raising of the bar. Oh and obviously people need a lot more hand holding before they will commit their time and energy to SL. I would say that the majority of the people I spoke to last night don't actually use SL beyond an initial foray.

On a more cheerful note having a poly pin of Harvey's best bitter was a good move and I scored a Linden Labs re-badged Rubick's cube. Also bumped into Iestyn Lloyd from Littleloud whose appearance on ch4 shows that at least someone did something useful last year even if it was just playing dead.

Nokia 770 and Bluetooth Keyboad

2007-12-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

Got a dell branded igo slimline keyboard as a present from the wife. She in return got a yamaha digital piano. We both love our respective keyboards. Using mine right now to type this. Have also used it paired up with the HTC phone. Bit pointless really as the thumb keyboard on that device is adequate.

Central Heating doom redux

2007-12-31T11:12:00.000-08:00

Just about to go away for the Christmas Holidays and Wife points to puddles of water below boiler (furnace for non Brits). Since this is next to the loo I get ready to tackle the issue of pointing with number one son. He is however blameless.When not heating water or the house a steady drip every 20 secs or so is emerging from the wall mounted boiler. Nothing I could do about it there and then so I put a bowl underneath and hoped for best. On return no disaster but I have to do something. Rather than dissasemble it and risk no heating over the new year period I gamble 8 quid on some screwfix brand no nonsense leak stop and throw it into the header tank for the system. Bottle claims a fix within 24 hours. Yeah right! 3 days of contemplating the horrific cost of a boiler replacement and then suddenly, praise the lord, all is well. Drip has stopped.It is going to be a happy new year after all!

My next mobile phone

2007-12-12T03:14:00.000-08:00

I have an HTC TyTN from Vodafone I originally loathed it. However de-branding and putting the HTC Windows Mobile V6 on has made it much more stable so I tend to swear at it much less.

Like all 'do everything' phones it is a compromise.

What a I have realised, in using such a device, is the phone I really need has:-

3G for connecting another device (laptop or pda) to internet
Bluetooth for connecting headset and laptop pda
Fantastic voice control like orange wildfire.
fold out keyboard like a Nokia 6820 for texting
and a black and white e-ink display I can read in daylight that shows the time without me having to use a back light.
A 2.5mm stereo headphone / mic connector
and a standard mini/micro USB cable connector /charger.

Equally important I don't want to :-
browse the internet on my phone
read e-mail on my phone
take pictures /video with my phone
view anything in colour
listen to mp3's or radio.
Use a stylus on my phone

I used WAP once 5 years ago and have never sent or received an MMS

also

For mobile media / internet applications the Nokia tablets are great and paired with the phone I imagine would make me happy. If only they had coupled the latest tablet hardware with the psion MX 5 case and keyboard.

Piertopier neeeds you! Because it can't have me!

2007-10-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

Piertopier the Brighton free wireless hotspot network has been a hobby for 3 or 4 years now. However expanding family commitments mean I can't do what I used to do. So if anyone want to sign up to helping with a worthwhile community project please let me know.

Nokia 770

2007-07-31T03:11:00.000-07:00

OMG ! After years of proudly showing off the £400 zaurus I go buy a £70 toy for the wife and it is better than the zaurus! Right now I have a Nokia 770 tablet in front of me. Using its wifi connection it is vpn'd into the office network via a cisco PIX firewall and is showing me a windows xp desktop via vnc. 800 x 480 display so it is actually usable. This is so cool.

The opera browser works great with gmail (if you switch on the javascript). Lets say this again 800x480 display and fits in your pocket. Oh and it has decent battery life.

Downside is my better half is wondering what happened to her new 'palm'. I am going to have to buy another one. Then work out how to make it accept Chinese character input for her msn friends. The joys of open source!

My mate Sevan has probably done more with his 770 in a shorter space of time.

Hugh Grimwood arrives

2007-06-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

June 26th 2.56 am 7lbs 12oz of baby boy. Well done a very proud Mum. Two weeks paternity leave. I will be looking after James full time. Hmmm two week to break 3yrs of mind conditioning that has turned him into a neat freak.

42 isn't the answer

2007-03-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

Well hurrah I made this far. 42 years on the planet.

The good bits of the last year :- Expecting another baby summer 2007. Just found out last week it was going to be a boy! Been to Taiwan and on their new super fast train. 180mph. Started an new business to deal with voip termination/PSTN breakout. Sipswitch.co.uk. Flat convesion completed in the summer 06. So now pround parents with actual space to live. James isn't yet 3 but his spoken english is good. Worringly his spoken chinese his just as good. Chistmas present was a digifusion PVR. Which I have been tinkering with. New firmware uploaded via a serial cable. New laptop hard disk installed and noisey old hard disk and fan removed = Silence. Cheap flights to Hong Kong with oasishongkong.com. Marvelous . From Gatwick airport as well !

My ears are young. I said my ears are....oh never mind

2006-06-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

So annoyng youths are discouraged from hanging around shop fronts by equally annoying high pitched whine that only they can hear. Annoying youths promptly take said noise and make a high pitched ring tone that they can hear but older folk (teachers mainly) can't. Well done I applaud their inventiveness Anyway point is that I can hear it. Age over 40 and I can still hear 20Khz sound. My younger colleagues can't make it much past 13Khz. So why am I different? Maybe it is the multiple perforations of ear drums in my 20's and the scared drum is some how tauter. Maybe cos I was driven mad by ultrasonic graphics tablet that no one else could hear when I was younger. Most likely it was because an ear infection blocked my ears causing partial deafness from 18 to 21 and thus saved them from the pounding loud music gigs, parties and night clubs should have given them. So just for once I win. So used am I to finding some part of my body that doesn't work properly anymore I am chuffed to bits that at least my ears do. http://www.ochenk.com/entry.php?id=63

If you want to check your own hearing. Of course you will need someone young in room to prove that there is sound when you can't hear anything as it could be your speakers.

UPDATE: Have tried this out on different PC at home with wife. Seems that I must have been hearing a harmonic at 20Khz cos on set up at home 15Khz is as high as I can go. The wife can hear 16Khz...So scrap that post..really my moment of smugness truly shattered.

Potty training

2006-06-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

This is the process where your two year old trains the parents to follow him around the house, making excited noises whenever he has a wee. It seems to make the parents very happy so child trys to reward them by drinking lots of water just to see look of happiness on their faces every time a pee is done. With a little effort parents can be trained to hand out stickers virtually on demand though occasional misses are required to remind the parents how much fun it is when it all goes right.

Windows and Linux

2005-11-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

Good week for the non work activies.
1 Dave got me a WRTG54 v2.0 from Ebay.
this is a wireless router made by linksys that had a linux OS.
the clever chaps at openwrt.org offer an open source distibution called white russian.Have installled that and am currently using it with my zaurus PDA to write this. So linux rules. Where does windows come in. Well after discussion with MD about things every man should be able to do including skin a rabbit, change a nappy etc etc I suggested that glazing a window was a bloke type task. Anyway realized that this rite of passage to blokehood has not actually featured in my 40 years on this planet . Worse, I have had a broken window in my living room for over a year held together with stickytape.
I anounce my intention to fix window to spouse! A look of fear crosses he face. 30 minutes of cross questioning later she decides to let me have a go ..but the are conditions. It is quite clear she does not believe I am capable of this DIY task so she is trying to make me give up and get a man in to do the job. Result is I do clean and tidy job. OK I did have to go and buy some tools but then they will be usefull next time. Two hour job took 5 hours but still it was worth it just to hear the love of my life actually happy to admit she was wrong for once.

Boiler Repair Man continues his 19 year struggle against central heating doom.

2005-10-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

Boiler packed up 3 weeks ago. Tame corgi registered mate turned up next day and declared FAN to be dead and should I get a new boiler. I agreed I should but then things turned nasty and was stunned to hear about new regulations that mean a different type of boiler is now mandatory. And guess what it's expensive. £1600 mimimum. The 'Shit!' expletive escaped. I promptly U turned. " How much to fix this one ?". "Probably under 200 notes" was reply but he had to go look things up and would get back to me.

Next day he got back to me.."350 quid for the bit +vat +labour " . The "Shit!" expletive needed rounding up once more. So we argued the toss on cheap boilers (I had found one for £530+vat) but my mate refused to touch a Poterton. "They are crap" he explained in his usual non technical way.

Wife and kid suffering for lack of heating was begining to pray on my mind. Well me suffering because child's hands are felt to be a bit chilly by wife is what really motivates me. Ice cold feet placed directly on my legs when going to bed speed up thought process. I don't want a new boiler because flat convesion is planned and new boiler may be required next year of different output or in diferent physical location. I'll fix it myself I decide. So I dismantel the boiler fan and identify the faulty motor. The internet is googled to death after 3 evenings searching and Ebay boiler man comes to the rescue. Local bloke from Worthing Non-Stressed Heating. One visit on a Friday with the incorrect part is followed by next Tuesday delivery of a shine new reconditioned fan. £140 quid .Bargain. Fit it myself and proudly show wife hot radiators. Top whole evening off by repairing her IBM Laptop with the aid of a large kitchen knife. ..don't ask.

Can't you see I am busy?

2005-10-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Your Next IT manager

2005-09-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

James is 15 months old.
His favourite toy is a psion Mx5 (lickle keys and a heart stopping snap to the clamshell). He can also boot my pc. get into the bios and if he manages to leave a bootable bios config and get through grub to get windows rather than linux then he can edit all the names of the icons on screen to kkkkkk;;;;so99d etc.

His packet sniffing isn't great but keyboard snoting is a joy to behold
His ability to hold a mobile phone in the crook of his neck while bashing two handedly on the keyboard is equally impressive.

To be honest I have visited places where James could hold down an IT job for several months before any one realised. And he would have probably broken less critical systems then average so should be in line for a promotion.

home made Salsa. Mine ALL Mine

2003-01-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

Strange as it now seems salsa was not widely available when I arrived back from the States. Dorritos had yet to be seen in British shops and jars of dipping salsa were one of the few culinary things I missed other than Maryland crab cakes. So some research and experimentation was needed. Hampered for a long time by not knowing that Cilantro and Coriander are the same thing.

Anyway here is what you do

8 plum tomatoes ripe (peeled if you have time)
Core and chop
1 green pepper cored and chopped (optional)
1 large red onion chopped
All in a bowl

Into blender put

1/2 tube of sundried tomato paste with or without herbs
Fist full of cilantro/coriander leaves (and stalks)
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
Splash vinegar
1 fistful of the mixed vegetables from the bowl
Squeeze of lime or lemon juice
1 green chilli (you decide if you leave seeds in .....No don't do that)
1 clove garlic (optional)

Blend to a smooth paste
Pour into bowl of chopped ingredients and massage through with (clean) hand.

Lick hand clean

Remind yourself what a good idea it was that you didn't put the chilli seeds in.

Wash hands before attempting to remove contact lenses.

If you have other people in house hide bowl until they leave otherwise grab big pack of dorritos/tortilla chips find lofa and munch your way through 3 hours of star trek.

Do not offer to share your salsa with anyone unless you know they don't like chilli! I can not stress this enough you will eat all of it yourself and you will only store up resentment if you have to watch your so called friends eating more of YOUR salsa.

Better red than dead

2002-12-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

I am sat writing this on an IBM Thinkpad model 240 sat on a bright red lofa. This sentence tells you the reader many things. One that I am a techy person who has friends who actually care what type of computer this was written on and two that I can't work out how to switch on my spell checker. The other question that should be in your mind is ‘why am I writing this at all?’ The reason is that I promised my wife that if 10,000 people visited her web site then I would write an article. For the sad person who visited 100's of times every day since that promise, this is your reward.

If you are smart enough to be confused as to why a techy person can't switch on a spell check then you should investigate Habbitat's marvelous sofa creation that is a 'Lofa', You could look at the Habittat web site but it is just shit Flash for Flash's sake so I am not even going to bother puting in a link. Mainly cos it is impossible to link to anything on the site. Grrrh.!

You can see my problem. Imagine that your wife has not just told a few friends about our amazing new lofas but in fact the WHOLE bloody world. Now imagine that they (lofas not the whole world) turn up and you can't get the long one into the flat. The 3 seater lofa on its end is taller than the doorway. The doorway is at the end of a corridor on the left hand side. Once into the corridor the lofa on its end can not even rotate through 360 degrees the corridor is too narrow. Just leave it there I tell the delivery people. I have a cunning plan. They look at me thankfully and run away. That evening my neighbour comes home to find his doorway, which is opposite mine, blocked by the lofa. ‘If you just open your door then I'll push the bottom in to your flat and swing the top down into mine and it will be fine’.

It is not fine.

‘Just send it back’ says the wife. ‘I can't do this’ I explain. I remember the conversation with the shop. 'Are you sure it will fit' they say. 'Yes' I said confident in my lie.' You do know we charge 20% if we have to bring it back?' they say. Strange how horribly clear your memories are when you remember being such an idiot as you signed the papers.' Why not?' says the wife. 'Because we have removed all the wrapping?' I bluff, struggling to repress aforementioned memories. 'Anyway I'll just do what we always do in situations like this' I further bluff. 'I'll just make the door taller'!

'You will need a bigger hammer' says my friend. He fetches said tool and he hands it over with the words 'this is a good hammer' just as he would when giving me a glass of his best scotch. 'Er thanks I'll er look after it' I say realising that we both know what I am actually going to do is to use it to hit other things very hard indeed.

I give up hitting things very hard indeed at 11.00pm. The next morning the staff get to admire half a hole above their heads as they squeeze past the still stuck lofa. No one laughs; this is one of the benefits of being the boss. Hey bonus! I reason I have budget of £160 to solve this problem and promptly go and spend on new toy… er I mean powered reciprocating electric saw.

Twenty minutes later I have covered myself the stairs and the new lofa in a lot of dust as I cut the other half of the hole like a hot knife though butter. Somewhat reluctant to stop cutting things with new found power tool I nevertheless Dyson all surfaces and triumphantly deliver sofa to final resting place. I lie down ready to strenuously test all possible slouching positions and await the acclaim of adoring wife.